Feeling a bit lot of stress this past few days. We didn't fought. I just had to share this thoughts here.

So before his exam week and after mine (well, I still had two exam left for the following week), We had this conversation. We video chat as how I like it to be. I don't know if at that moment, I was just so fed up with stress and everything because the week before our conversation or the week before my exam week, we had this talk that we will be spending time talking like usual. I mean, those things we usually do is the best things I treasure the most especially after a long stressful week. And in conclusion, It didn't happen. Back to the conversation, I was kinda feeling, like me. Like me pretending to be okay and shit. But I'm not. He knows that. He knows me so well. I didn't want to cry that night. I want the night to be.. simple. Like we talked, We smile, We sleep. That's it. No drama. No anything. It's like I have in my subconscious all my problems. I wanted to talk about it but NO. My problems shouldn't be one of his too. I told myself I shouldn't be bothering him with my problems or the things I even like to say between us. No. Not that time of the day. The following week will be hard for him. I know that. I should be sensitive enough to hold on to my emotions till everything's okay. Just until after his exams.

But the whole point of this post is, He said something that was partly true that I just didn't mind.

It's true. I don't know but every time, I mean most of the time that I really really need him, there comes these things. Those time that I need him the most. These things happen that's why I always end up, keeping it all to myself and in the end, When I'm fed up with all of the problems and negative thoughts, I just burst in tears without that specific reason why because everything was mixed up and I feel like it's my whole life that was pretty messed up.

He also said this. It's true. I never share any personal problem to anyone before not since the day I met Mchl. I tell him everything. I just feel like he understand every single word I say. He's just always there. But NO, Literally no. He have his own life. I don't own him. He still makes his own decisions and other things. He have his priorities and responsibilities. He will always be there for me as what he always say to me, I know. But at times of real trouble, At times of when I suddenly breakdown and needing someone to cry on and held on, he can't be there on that very second & I just can't tell him "agad-agad" 'cause I know he won't be able to reply that very second. I respect that. & I'm still trying to understand his words "humingi ka ng tulong, hayaan mong tulungan kita". I don't know what to say. When at times I need help, Can I just say to him that, "I just need you to be here. I need you here" No. I can't. I can't directly say that to him because that cannot be done. I feel that is me being so selfish. That is me being demanding. So that's why the still best thing to do is, keep it all to myself and. I don't know.Maybe I'll soon find out the solution to this but right now. I'll do my routine. I'll do me.

keep.breakdown.repeat.